Maybe this was supposed to happen.

 

Alright,

Been weeks threatening to write another one of these blogs, think this is about number 12 could be 13 fuck knows.

If you’ve read my previous pieces you will know that I was the victim of a violent crime nearly 6 years and early this year I suffered from post traumatic stress disorder and my world fell to bits. I believed I was going mental, that I was weak, inferior to everyone around me. I found it hard to open up to anyone about my thoughts; I adopted safety behaviours when I was out in busy places such as pubs. I adopted safety behaviours in a bid to stay safe from the evil in the world. I would avoid going out, leave pubs early, avoid going out in the first place, I sit alone in my flat feeling safe but lonely, depressed and anxious and would have an endless amounts of questions that I wasn’t able to answer. Why do I feel this way? Why after 5 years am I reliving this nightmare? Am I going mental? Will this torment and torture every end?

I was anxious as fuck and depressed as fuck and I didn’t know what to do to stop it or even just control it. Eventually I spoke with my GP and he referred me on to a psychologist and from there I was diagnosed with PTSD. My psychologist Laura told me straight away that I wasn’t going nuts, everything I was telling her was a clear indication of PTSD. 

Anyway I don’t want to go over old ground, if you want to read these blogs and read about my battles and how I’ve got back to feeling as positive about life and how I’ve conquered my fears and won my battle let me know. 

I’m just writing this blog as I’ve never talked about the actual impact that being a victim of crime has on the individual affected. Your whole world is turned upside down. I was a confident 26 year old male, who loved life and didn’t have much to grumble about. Life was pretty decent, I had previously had my fair share of trauma and grief in my life but I was on top of it and under control of it all and the suddenly one night boom, everything changed. 

I lost confidence in myself, society and the world around me, I’m not going to lie, it’s only been the last 2 months or so that I’ve managed to gain this back. I don’t see the world as such an evil place, I don’t feel a failure anymore, I don’t feel weak any more as a result of my attack, I can go to pubs and enjoy myself again, I can socialise and talk to my friends about my thoughts and what I went through. When I look at myself now I realise how lucky I am that I managed to ask for help, this was due to my ex girlfriend who pushed me into going to see my GP and without her doing so I don’t know if I ever would’ve. I don’t know where I would’ve been today if it wasn’t for her. She’ll never ever know how grateful I am. 

I am also fortunate that I have an amazing Doctor, he didn’t judge me, took time to listen to me, he squeezed me into his diary when there wasn’t appointments available to see him, he made sure I visited him every couple of weeks until I managed to get my weekly appointments with my psychologists. He didn’t just fire me on drugs; he wanted me to talk about the shit that was chewing away at me.

Talking about my attack and the fears and anxieties that I had have been what has made the road to recovery easier, don’t get me wrong it was hard as fuck to open up but when I did I let it all go. I spoke about things that have bugged me since childhood. My psychologist told me to face my fears, so I did. It was hard work, being on the street at night, busy pubs, back at the football, taking about stuff, going through the cognitive behavioral therapy and reliving it all.

Connecting with people was also a massive part of my recovery, opening up to friends and family, rebuilding relationships from the damage I done trying to keep myself safe. See now, I keep fuck all from anyone, if it’s bugging me or making me feel slightly anxious I talk about it. It’s been amazing how much I’ve learned from doing so, everyone has fears, everyone worries about stuff, what may be illogical to you can scare the shit out of someone else. I’ve also learned skills from my psychologist to learn to cope when I get anxious, to be honest it barely happens now. It’s not happening because I am on top of my fears and connecting with people, I’ve got my self esteem back and that is one of the major causes of depression and anxiety, losing your self esteem. Anyway this is the old ground I talked about earlier.

This blog is about being a victim, a victim eh, what do you think of when you hear that word? Someone weak, Unlucky, Deserved it, Stupid for getting involved? Come on we’ve all got opinion eh? Well know what? Crime, life and fate don’t discriminate, anyone of us can be a victim, and the same as anyone of us can end up a criminal.

You’d think it’s easy, just picking yourself up and getting on with life, “man up, these things happen, chin up eh”. It’s not fucking easy, Me, I’m sound now and at no point have I ever been looking for or wanted sympathy. I just wanted someone to answer all the fucking questions I had, why did this happen to me? Did I deserve it? How could someone do this to me?

It’s only been since about June that I’ve accepted it happened because shit likes this happens every day. I was unlucky, someone done something evil or they just done something pretty stupid, a spur of the moment of madness. I hope it’s the latter. I spent years looking for the answers to my questions, answers that I’ve never found and never will but what I have found is contention.

My psychologist has made me see that it’s the same world that it was before my attack, the same evil was there before just that I was naive to it and after my attack I became more vigilant to it. That’s what happens when you become a victim, you become more vigilant to dangers that you didn’t think of before, and you know it’s there but you don’t ever imagine it will happen to you. 

I used to think being a victim of a violent crime would haunt me forever, it would control me, dictate who I was going to be. It’s taken me five years to change my perspective, I’m now in a place where I am proud of what I went through, It’s put me on a path where I’ve managed to help people with depression and anxiety problems. It caused me to have a mental health breakdown but from there I have picked up the pieces and rebuilt relationships with friends and family. I’ve found the real me, I’m becoming a man I never thought I would be. For the first time in about 16 years I am content and proud of who I am, I don’t know if I would be who I am today if it wasn’t for this breakdown as a result of this crime. The biggest thing I’ve learned is not to be judgmental, anyone can make mistakes. Nothing surprises me in this world anymore.

I am now volunteering with Victim Support Scotland, I’m doing this for no other reason than I hope to stop someone making the same mistakes as me, and I also hope that I can use my personal experience to generate awareness of this vital charity and the great work they undertake. I just want to give a bit back in a world that I thought was going to swallow me up. I’ve been told about 5 or 6 times now that my story is inspirational or I’m an inspirational guy, this embarrassed me to begin with but now I hope I am an inspiration to others. I hope the people I visit in doing my voluntary work can see how far I’ve came, I hope they can see that I am there because I want to help them and I’m not there for personal goals or to make myself feel better. I also hope someone reading this maybe takes inspiration and opens up or seeks help. Maybe we should all strive to be inspirations.

I hate how victims are viewed, I hate how the whole way through your ordeal you are processed by the police, the courts, you feel judged at every corner, and you just become a statistic. No one understands what you are going through or what you are feeling, I won’t understand either, even with my insight from personal experience. Each individual will react differently to the crime and the trauma they have went through. 

I don’t know what the point of this blog is, I guess I’m just asking for everyone to be a bit more compassionate to the people around you, bit less judgmental. Crime will have an impact on everyone at some point. You aren’t weak because you’re the victim.

I honestly believe I’ve went through everything that I have so that I would end up on this path, I’ve never mean as passionate about anything as I am about my volunteering and about how crime affects the individual. The shit I’ve went through has taught me so much and that’s how you should view your battles. It might be on top of you just now but one day you can use it as a positive. Your anxieties and depression might be on top of you just now but it’s controllable and beatable. You just need to get help and speak out, connect with people, don’t beat yourself up, you need to beat those anxious voices and control them with your common sense voices. Challenge and control your body, thoughts and actions.

Anyway not sure I’ve many blogs left in me, not got much left to say, I just want people to read them and take hope and some kind of comfort and belief from them. Trust me I was so low 5 months ago when I started my treatment. Recovery is possible and there is light at the end of that long dark tunnel.

Dig in and keep on keeping on.

Weasel.

Frustrations and second chances

Alright,

If you have read my blogs before you know why I write them, if you are new to my ramblings then I shall briefly explain why I write these pieces of poor literature.

Basically I was a victim of a violent assault, shit got on top of me and I never ever dealt with the fears and anxieties that I suffered after my attack. I tried to convince myself that I was sound but I kept so much bottled up and then my world went into melt down and I pretty much lost the plot and all the important things in my life. 

I hurt the people I love the most, I told them lies and pushed them away as I thought I was going mental and that they would be better off without me, I didn’t want them dragged down with me, I didn’t want to hinder them with a fucking fruitcake like me. Eventually I was that low that I had to seek professional help and I received this from a psychologist.

The treatment I received was amazing. I’ve dealt with all my fears and faced up to what I believed were my failings in life. Nothing scares me no more. I understand that what happened to me was caused by a condition called Post traumatic stress disorder. 

This condition made me question every aspect of my past and worry about every aspect of the future. I couldn’t think of the future or the past without feeling worried or regretful. Anyway that’s enough about the condition as I’ve been over this ground before.

This blogs more about the frustration I’ve been trying to deal with since I’ve been in recovery. I’m frustrated as fuck with the way I treated people. My ex, friends, family I treated them like shit, pushed them away, lied to them, avoided them, couldn’t guarantee them fuck all. I cut them off, was argumentative but most of all and this is what frustrates me the most I wasn’t acting or thinking like me. 

I became selfish as fuck, a man that I’d look at and be disgusted with. You know what though, I was ill as fuck. Now I’m back on the right tracks and feeling shithot I’m frustrated with the way I acted and treated these people. What’s frustrated me the most is I just want a chance to make everything correct with these people, I just want them to trust me again, for them to put their faith in me again.

Can I guarantee I won’t go off the rails again, Can I fuck but who can guarantee that they won’t suffer from something as horrible as what I did and not let it affect them. What I can guarantee is now I’ve had my treatment is that I have the skills and experience to handle any bad days that come my way. I’ll recognise the signs that something is up rather than believing I am going nuts.  Can I guarantee that if they do trust me again I won’t break that trust? No I can’t but who can? however I know for a fact I’ll never be that selfish again, I’ll never act in that manner and treat people that way again, I’ll be open and honest with them. I’ve learned that there is nothing that I can’t talk about and nothing that we should be ashamed about. We’re all humans bad shit can happen to any of us; life is a cruel bastard at times. If you have went through life and not suffered some kind of trauma or went through some serious bad times you are one lucky person, I’m pleased for you though, I wouldn’t wish the shit I’ve went through on anyone. 

Since I’ve recovered I’ve worked hard at the second chances I’ve been given and been working hard to try and get second chances from the people who are less reluctant to give me them. It’s been frustrating as fuck at times but also pleasing building better relationships with the people who I’ve hurt the most. 

However I’m now beginning to realise that not everyone can just give you that second chance, as frustrating as this is, I can understand this. I can’t think for them, I can’t control their feelings, I can’t heal the hurt I’ve caused, I’ve begged and pleaded for forgiveness, I’ve played it cool, I’ve pestered them. I’m now at the stage where I need to handle my frustrations better and replace this with acceptance, acceptance that regardless if I was ill or not, I’ve hurt these people badly.

Aye maybe I’m thinking straight now and the shit that once scared me is now what I want from life but I blew my chance at that life when I cut these people out and told them nonsense because I didn’t want to drag them down with me. I made them believe I was embarrassed and ashamed of them, I never was, I was embarrassed and ashamed of me, I felt inferior, why? Because of that fucking PTSD. 

So what now?

Now it’s about giving shit back to the world, I’m going to do this through volunteering with victim support and try to help people who are experiencing the same trauma I did. I’m going to continue rebuilding the relationships that I have been given the chance to do so. I’m not going to live with false hope that things will sort themselves out with the people that I’ve hurt who are reluctant to give me a second chance. I’m going to live, learn and love like I’ve never before. I’ve got a second chance at life; I’ve been on the receiving end of some very harsh but valuable lessons that are making me a more compassionate, understanding and caring person. That’s the most frustrating thing about not receiving these second chances; I’m a far better man than the one they knew before, I believe if they gave me a chance they wouldn’t regret it, however that’s easy for me to say and less easy for them to give.

I’m on a positive path and I’m going to do some good with my experiences. I intend to enjoy and saviour every moment of life. The people who are giving me these second chances won’t be left disappointed. The people who don’t, will never know how deep my regrets are and how much I truly love them, I understand and get it though, who wouldn’t be reluctant to let someone in who has hurt you and destroyed your trust and dreams.

Anyway, this blog is for the people out there who have done the same as me, hurt the ones they love, we’ve no right just to be forgiven; we’ve not even got the right to be given the chance to rebuild things which we crave so much. Aye it’s frustrating as fuck, we were ill, we were scared. We still said those words and acted in that manner though. My life might be on a different path to what I actually want but the one thing that life has taught me is that nothing goes to plan. Life can be fun and beautiful one minute and then the biggest struggle you can imagine the next. You’ve just got to saviour and enjoy the good times and ride out the shit ones. 

Just try not to get frustrated or act desperate in a bid to gain forgiveness, it just makes the whole situation worse and who is it actually helping? I’ve made shit harder on myself and the people that I’ve already hurt enough. Accept where you are and take it from there.

 

Keep on Keeping on

Love 

Weasel

The little we have is greater than we think.

The little we have is greater than we think, you’re probably sitting there thinking what the fuck does that mean anyway, well if you’ve been the places I’ve been mentally and thought the shit I’ve thought at some points you’ll understand.

Guess it means just be grateful for what you do have rather sitting worrying about what you don’t have or what you hope to have one day. It’s fucking nuts because I’m now in the best shape mentally, physically and financially that I’ve ever been in and 8 months ago I believed that would end my depression and anxiety. It didn’t facing my fears and getting help with my PTSD has done this, breaking the avoidance, connecting with people, dealing with issues that have haunted me since childhood.

We all want the best from life, the best of stuff, decent paying job, nice home, to be popular, see really that all means fuck all. Me I just want to continue down the path I’m on mentally and also to continue to connect with the people I love, who I have let down badly over the years.  I made people believe I was ashamed of them, my ex, my mum, my mates, aunties and uncles when really the only person I was ashamed of was me. The only things that I’m ashamed of now are that I couldn’t tell these people the truth and the hurt that I caused them.

It’s been hard opening up to all these people, telling them about how low I got, the daft thoughts I had, the years of feeling inferior, how some of their actions impacted on me mentally. It’s also been amazing bonding with them and feeling loved. At one point I felt so vulnerable in this world, I felt on my own, that no one could possibly understand how I was feeling, the stuff I worried about, the feelings of being inferior, the anxieties that I was trying to keep on top of. I just believed that I was better on my own and these people were better off without me, after all I was going fucking nuts. It was fucking stupid because there were so many people who loved me, people that I’ve lost cause of that horrible condition.

See now by opening up to these people I’ve learned that everyone worries about something; some people just hide it better or know how to cope with it better. I’ve learned that fuck all in life matters bar love. Family and friends aren’t judging you, they only want to help.

My PTSD was temporary and has eased off since my sessions with my psychologist. I genuinely believe that I am ready for anything life throws my way now. 8 months ago I wouldn’t have thought this was possible. I thought those feelings of fear when looking to the future and the feelings of regret and failing when I looked back to the past would control my mind forever, now they don’t. I’m thinking logically and clear again.

I had my first moment of anxious thinking in about 2 months last week, I got a stomach bug and got a bit down about having this, then I started getting pissed off with myself because I got anxious about being down. Then I realised that anyone would get anxious running to the loo every two minutes. There’s stuff everyone will worry about. Life isn’t easy, it’s normal to have wee worries, what isn’t normal is when it’s irrational thinking.

I don’t really know where this blog is going or the point of it. My previous blogs have offered advice or just been to get shit out my mind that’s bugging me. I guess this blogs more about giving folk that we bit of hope. If you read my first blog in May you’ll know how far I’ve came. It amazes me how little it has taken to get to this stage, Facing the fears, opening up to everyone, speaking about my conditions, basically being honest with everyone. Not bottling shit up has been a massive help, the minute I worry about shit or think something is annoying me I speak about it. I’ll never ever keep shit to myself again. Friends and family aren’t going to judge you. You’ll be surprised at how many have suffered similar or felt the same at some point.

Guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s best to open up. What’s the worst that can happen? Is it as bad as believing you are going mental? Thinking that life is just going to be a struggle forever, fuck that carry on. Since I’ve opened up life has got ten times easier and better. I’ve rebuilt some many relationships, I no longer have these feelings of being inferior, I now believe that my attack and the ptsd that I suffered will be the making of me, not something that is going to break me.

I’ll probably never regain the love or trust of some of the people I want to, I can understand that, I’ve hurt them badly, when you destroy their trust in you it’s understandable that they won’t give you a second bite at the cherry. I do know however that I won’t let anyone down that has giving me a second chance, I won’t treat them as poorly, I won’t exclude them from my life and I won’t be as selfish.

I’ve got a second chance at this thing called life and I am not going to waste it. I can’t wait to start my volunteering with Victim Support and I’ll try my hardest to continue down this positive path that I am on just now. If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD there is hope. I thought I was a lost cause at one time. Now I believe what I suffered has been the making of me as a person. If you’re going through similar try and do the same, don’t let it break you, use it to make you.

Again if you’re struggling speak out, there’s no shame in suffering from mental health conditions, it’s the same as physical condition bar there’s a horrible stigma making people scared to speak out.

Keep on keeping on

Weasel

Life just got in the way of my dreams

I mind one time when I was about 20 I was in haddows in Whitburn buying a carry out and what would be known as the local alcoholic was in trying to charm the shop assistant into giving him two cans of special brew as he didn’t have enough money to buy them. For some reason I bought him them, fuck knows why, think I just felt sorry for the cunt. Anyway walking out the shop he said to me, “I never set out to be an alcoholic, life just got in the way of my dreams”.

I spent days wondering what he was getting at and how his life got in such a mess, that the best option he had was to spend hours and days sitting on a bench on the main street drinking himself into oblivion. I found out one day, that once that man was a success in his chosen profession, shit happened to him and his life went downhill. See as the months roll by in my recovery I can see that in life we all make mistakes, we all make poor choices, we all have fears, self doubts, anxious moments, and it’s just that some of us cope better than others. Life can beat anyone and in one moment everything can go to fuck.

It’s mental how clear and logical my mind is now, I look back and regret how selfish I became, how much I hurt people. I hate the way I cut people out, the way I thought I had to take the world on alone, the way I believed I was the only person on the planet who had these feelings; I just hate the man that I became.

Controlling my thoughts and facing what were my fears has turned my life around so much, I’m stronger, more confident, more self assured and I genuinely don’t give a fuck what people think of me anymore. I am who I am and I intend to work as hard as I can to continue on this path and becoming the best man I can be. My number one priority is to ensure I never become as selfish, defeated, and as ignorant again.

I used to worry about dying young, I think this was because after my attack and nearly dying I realised how precious life was. Throughout my whole life I have experienced the loss of loved ones, when I was young I thought it was something to do with me, that I was cursed, unlucky as fuck or just a jinx. Now I realise that it’s just life, death will come to us all. It’s about the moments we have in our lives, the memories we make, the love we give out and the love we receive.

My life got out of control  well before my attack, it always seemed to be trauma after trauma, relatives and loved ones dying, my sisters disability, my parents’ divorce when I was 8. I just think my attack was the final trauma I could deal with. I didn’t really have the confidence or the ability to deal with it.

I write these blogs and tweet the stuff I tweet as I know others are getting help from it. I’ve had letters from people telling me about the difference I have made to their life. The Tweets from other people who suffer from mental health conditions saying that they find comfort in my blogs and tweets. The messages of encouragement and support have helped more than the people who have sent them will ever now. I just want people to realise that I’m not after attention, I don’t want pity, I gave myself enough for years and most importantly I am not doing it for attention, I’m doing it because it’s helping others.

That’s the main point I’m trying to make in this blog. Life can be a complete bastard to anyone, decent human beings can make stupid and selfish mistakes, people make poor choices. Sometimes people don’t really know how their words or actions affect others; see really when you look at the local alcoholic on the bench, what do you think? D’you think about what happened that he ended up there or do you just judge the poor cunt? I’m not saying it’s that simple, that he’s a victim or some kind of saint, what am trying to say is that if we all became that less bit selfish and worried about ourselves maybe people wouldn’t head down the wrong paths, make bad choices, make drastic choices like suicide.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned the bad things we suffer or the mistakes we make shouldn’t haunt us forever. We shouldn’t look at the people who are worse off than ourselves and think look at the nick of that cunt, thank fuck that’s not me. I’m not saying we should buy the local alcoholic two cans of special brew either. I’m just wanting to hit home the point that life can beat any man, woman or child. We’re all human, we make mistakes, we have emotions, we have dreams, and we have fears.

Guess what I’m trying to say is that one day that alcoholic could be you, one day you could be the person writing these blogs, the person making mistakes.

I love music, I love lyrics, and one line that has always stuck with me is, while we’re living the dreams we have as children fade away. I used to think this is a sad line but really it’s not, it’s the truest words ever spoken. Yeah they fade away, we grow old, lose that naive view of the world we have as children, we age but what we need to understand is that as we grow, we learn, we make mistakes, we’ll hopefully learn from them, we’ll suffer, but the most important thing is that we are alive and we have that precious gift that is life.

You only get it once, don’t let it get on top of you, don’t let it think you’re the only one suffering, doubting, worrying, feeling anxious. Other people just cope better or help it well. Dig in and get help. Life can turn round for the better as quickly as it can get shitty.

Me, I just want to enjoy the shit I used to fear, be the best man I can be, enjoy what I’ve got and not worry about stuff in this world that I have no control over. I want second chances but I can’t expect that I can only hope for that.

Keep on keeping on and keep fighting the good fight.

Peace and Love

Weasel

I’m still Weasel after all. Maybe even a better man

 

For weeks now I have been trying to write another blog, one just to give an update of where I am and how I am feeling, each time I sit down with this laptop I struggle. I’ve no emotions flowing through my mind that I need to get out there, I’ve no apologises that I need to make, I’ve made them, I’ve no dirty secret that is controlling me, making me feel ashamed of who or what I am. I’ve no depression hanging over me, I’ve very little anxiety flowing through my mind and body, making me act out of character or question every little aspect of my life. I’m not worrying about what I believe to have been my past failings; the future doesn’t scare the shit out of me no more. I no longer worry about dying, pubs, dark nights, walking the streets no longer scares the shit out of me, I have wee moments of worry but nothing that I can’t control by challenging my thoughts and controlling my body and actions. To be honest I feel tremendous, I have belief in myself, life and the world again.

I want people who are struggling with mental health illnesses or issues, to read this blog and find some kind of hope or comfort in it. The start of this year I was low as fuck, so low I could’ve done something really stupid. I’m not saying I ever thought about suicide but I could understand why people would take their own life. At one point I had no hope, I couldn’t stop fucking thinking irrational thoughts, couldn’t focus on the good shit I had in my life and what my future had to offer. My mind was out of control and I genuinely believed I was going to turn into the local fruitcake.

Here I am 7 months later and I feel amazing both mentally and physically. I look back at where I was and I can’t believe how low I was, I can’t believe I allowed myself to get in such a mess, I feel ashamed and frustrated in the way I treated people, especially my ex girlfriend, I told her so much nonsense and treated her so poorly. It’s not that I didn’t love her; I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love her. My mind made me believe that she would be better off without me; I didn’t want her to get dragged down with me, dragged into a future of despair and craziness.

I can’t fully explain my condition, unless you suffer from PTSD or other mental health conditions you probably will never fully understand them, it’s a horrible wee world inside your mind, one full of irrational thinking, anxious actions and one where this haze ascends over you. You can’t see any way out, the past haunts you and the future is equally as daunting. I lost all hope and confidence in the world and me, this in turn leads to losing sight of the good in the world, your world becomes so negative that staying safe and avoiding shit seems to be the best and easiest option to take. I couldn’t show my love for anyone or anything because I felt inferior, I didn’t feel I belonged or could fit in anywhere. I saw the world as a bitter, evil and twisted place. I now look back and realise this was due to my condition, I had suffered a horrible trauma and my outlook on the world and life in general and changed. I was more vigilant to the evil and nasty side of the world and lost sight of the beautiful things that life and this world has to offer.

After my attack 5 years ago I found out how precious and vulnerable life was, fuck me I nearly died after all. My thinking got out of control and wrapped up in my past failings and where I was going. I felt I had to achieve stuff and achieve it quickly in case I died young, what if I got attacked again and next time I wasn’t so lucky, I had been close to dying and I wanted to build a perfect, safe world and life for myself and my ex. I just wanted everything there and then. Money, nice home, improve my qualifications, see now I understand what life is really about, love, enjoying yourself and making memories.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that realising life is precious isn’t a bad thing, the trauma of my attack made me aware of this, but where I went wrong is how I acted and thought after my attack. I should have sought and received proper professional help soon after my attack. I just couldn’t, I felt ashamed, weak, inferior. If you’re reading this and you are suffering, please please seek help, mental health illnesses are as real and need treatment just the same as physical illnesses. There is no shame in admitting you have a problem, no shame in opening up to someone, see honesty speaking out about my condition in my blogs and to friends, family and colleagues has been the best thing that I have done. My psychologist has treated and got my condition under control, I don’t know if she’s cured it, I don’t know if you can ever cure mental health conditions, guess time will tell but what I do know Is I believe in life and I believe I have the skills and desire to cope with anything life has to throw my way. Mentally I honestly feel the best I have ever felt.

My life got selfish when I was at my lowest, it was about staying safe, avoiding situations that I felt uncomfortable in, now I want to give a bit back, I want to help others who are at their lowest. I want to continue rebuilding relationships with the people I love; I want to take any second chances that these people are willing to give me. I’m going to continue on the path I am on the now, facing my fears, breaking the avoidance; honestly the stuff that scared me and made me anxious months ago is now becoming enjoyable again. I can’t guarantee life won’t ever throw shit at me again but I guarantee I’m going to give as good a fight back as I can. If you are low seek help, speak out, you aren’t on your own and people will be far more understanding than you imagine. If I can help, do not be afraid to ask. I’ve been where you are, if I can turn my life around so can you. Dig in there, shit can turn around pretty quickly.

Keep on Keeping on

Weasel.

I just don’t understand why it happened though?

Alright troops,

Number 6 eh, Been some journey since number 1, just want to quickly thank you for all the support, my phones not stopped with texts, tweets or messages on facebook, It Means so much just knowing that people are reading these blogs never mind actually offering support and kind words. It’s been surprising the people who have been in touch saying they suffer from similar shit, people who I thought were confident and cool cunts, folk that I would compare myself against and make myself believe that I was inferior in comparison to. 

I read this quote at college last year and it stuck with me, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” At the time because I was in a wee world of anxiety, depression and avoidance I would read this and think baws, to anyone reading this outside of Scotland the term baws, basically means you think it’s a lie or not that accurate.

I thought this term was baws because I felt inferior as fuck, inferior compared to my mates, inferior with the man I was previous to the attack, inferior to how I felt the previous year, It didn’t matter what situation I placed myself in I was the shadow of the man I was previous to my attack, fuck sake I didn’t even throw a punch when I was getting hit with a baseball bat, an iron and a glass bottle what kind of pussy am I? I couldn’t even go out with my girlfriend or mates to pubs, clubs, big cities, without getting myself worked up about it, I’d be in and out the toilet with nerves, sweating like fuck before going anywhere just cause of the anxiety kicking around my body, I was going to have to leave my safety zones and be in situations where I knew I would be panicky and agitated, it was a horrible feeling and one that I would do my best to hide, all because three evil bastards made me feel inferior without my consent.

See now I get the saying, I can see that wee bit clearer cause the haze of depression is lifting and the anxious thoughts are being controlled by using the methods that I talked about in my earlier blogs. I challenge my thinking; I try to control my thoughts, my actions and my body better, its hard work but its working. I am not as anxious in pubs, I don’t feel the same fear walking the streets at night, I don’t see the world in such a negative way anymore, I’m not going to say I’m 100 percent comfortable with all of this but it’s easier than it was before and I’ve got to keep facing the fears, keep challenging my thoughts, keep addressing any failings I think I can put right, I’ve got to keep connecting with people, most importantly I’ve got to keep increasing my self esteem and self confident.

By doing this I’m getting a bit of confidence back in myself and the world around me. I’ve also realised that the world will be here long after I’m gone and it’s far too big and powerful for me to try and change the shit that is going on in it, I need to worry about my shit and not give a fuck about the evil in the world, the state of the economy, an independent Scotland, see really I need to be more focused on day to day, the here and now, fuck the past, it’s done and dusted I can’t change it, my mistakes have been made, the one’s I can fix I’m trying to, the ones that I can’t, I can’t beat myself up about. I also need to not worry about the future, I got myself wrapped up in this illogical thinking about shit going wrong, dying young, where will I be in 5, 10, 20 years, see really I just need to concentrate day to day and maybe week to week. I’m not saying not to have plans or dreams, we need dreams or what’s the point but for me personally, worrying about the future and regretting the past has cost me so much here in the present, shit I would love to get back but it’s out with my control. Now I believe I have the confidence and skills to face the fears, the fears are only there because I am allowing myself to feel inferior, remember “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”

Anyway, I wanted this blog to be more about being a victim of a violent crime but it’s kind of went off the tracks and over old ground. I used to watch crime watch and look at the people who were victims and think “come on pal, it’s time to get over it.” A couple of times people have said that to me and it hurt me like fuck, I’d think to myself you’ve no idea what it feels like to be a victim, fuck you. I think the worst thing is all the fucking questions that you can’t get answers to, why did this happen to me. What did I do to deserve this? Was it my fault? Am I a bad person who deserved this? See really the answers are clear as fuck now that I’ve learned to process the memories of the trauma and I’m not as anxious or as depressed, there’s evil folk in this world, who will commit evil acts without even thinking about it. My Psychologist told me that I maybe found it hard to come to terms with because I am not a violent person or someone who has been caught up in loads of violent situations, to me this was against everything I believed in and found it hard to comprehend. 

I used to spend ages thinking about the people who done this to me, I’d spent hours wondering if they ever thought about their actions and what they had done to me, what would I do if I seen them again, would they recognise me, would they apologise, would they do worse to me, I’d get myself in some nick thinking about it, the anxiety and depression would take control and boom, life’s a fucking struggle again. See now I realise that they probably don’t even give two fucks, there’s a chance they can’t even remember it because it’ll just be some memory stored in the back of their minds, which pops up every now and again, that’s what my cbt has helped me do, make it a memory that pops up once every so often and doesn’t make me feel as inferior, it’s not as raw and as emotional. It’s just a memory, shit that happened to me years ago. 

I now believe that if I met my attacker again, I wouldn’t give a fuck, I’m not a violent man, I didn’t want bother to start with so I certainly wouldn’t be looking for it now. To be honest, having my breakdown is probably the best thing that has happened to me, I’ve discussed so much with my psychologist, addressed issues that haunted me even before my attacked, I’ve developed an inner belief in myself, I’ve now learned that fears are just that fears, they ain’t real, there’s a chance they’ll never happen and the one’s that do it’s about how you approach them and go about controlling them. I would love the chance to sit down with the people that done this to me and try to educate them, let them know how they destroyed my life for so long but then I think did they? remember the saying “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.

Were they the one’s who stopped me going out? Stopped me doing the things I used to enjoy, were they the ones that forced me to avoid situations that I was scared off? I guess what I’m trying to say is that before I spoke out and got help I’d blame them, I’d question every aspect of life, worry about every bit of evil that I would see in the papers and on the news, I guess the point I’m trying to make is that when you’ve suffered a trauma your view of that situation and the world you live in changes but see really it’s the same world as before but you’re more vigilant and alert to it. If you’ve been a victim, reach out for help, there’s no shame in feeling vulnerable, no shame in feeling inferior, no shame in not being able to face the stuff you could do before. I’ll always be a victim in terms of stats and the fact that my attack happened but I won’t let it chew away at my mind like I did before. It’s a trauma, we’re humans, trauma affects us differently and most of us will experience some kind of trauma in our life time.

Please if you are suffering in silence, from any mental health illness or have been a victim of any crime and are struggling speak to someone, I guarantee you won’t regret it and you certainly are not alone.

Keep on Keeping on                                             

Weasel

Winning the war but lost a few battles along the way

Alright,

Number 5 in terms of the blogs then, didn’t think I would write this many. Been a month or so since I wrote the last one and I’ve made some cracking progress in that time but also had something happen to me that I never thought would, I split up from my girlfriend. I don’t want to go into it too much as that’s not really fair on her. To be honest I can’t blame her, she’s been tremendous through all of this, and I don’t know if the roles were reversed that I could have been as supportive and as great as she was. I have been the hardest person on the planet to be around; I’ve withdrawn from the world, been irritable, anti social, argumentative, just a different guy from who I am really. I’ve also told her some shit that wasn’t true and acted in a manner which has left me frustrated and ashamed of how I treated her. It’s frustrating as fuck the way I’ve acted; I’ve acted the way I have because of PTSD. I lost faith in myself and the world around me, I could only focus on the negatives that the world had to offer, I had to withdraw and stay safe, everyday my mind would race at a million miles an hour with illogical and worrying thoughts about this world and the evil that is in it. I couldn’t see by all the negatives in the world, all the evil, I just got myself caught up thinking about all the evil and how unsafe the world was that I forgot to see the beautiful things and the positives that life had to offer. I pushed her away because I thought I was going mental and I didn’t want her dragged down with me. I wanted her to have a life without me and not be dragged into the future that my illogical, struggling mind was telling me I was going to have. Now I look back and can’t believe how fucked up I was and how stupid I could be. I don’t blame her for one second, I understand why this has happened and that it is my shit to handle and deal with and I am doing so. I don’t want any sympathy or shit motivational quotes. I know what I done wrong and that’s something I need to live with and that is what I’m doing. I don’t think anyone will really understand how I could act the way I did unless they have suffered from PTSD or have lived with someone who has. Now the haze or depression has lifted and my thinking has got clearer and more logical I really can’t believe how fucked up I allowed myself and my world to become. I just want to thank her for putting up with me as long as she did and for being as supportive as she was. She’s an amazing person who deserves the best life has to bring and I hope she gets it.

I always thought my attack was responsible for the way I was feeling, for my fears, for the constant thinking, I thought the PTSD only started soon after my attack but now I can look back with a clear mind and see that I’ve probably had issues since I was about 15. I had quite a traumatic childhood in terms of my parents divorcing, family members dying, my sister’s disabilities and trying my best to help my mum with her. I look back now I can see that maybe all this played its part and that maybe some of my issues have been kicking around for years but that my attack was the final trauma that I could cope with. We all suffer stresses and traumas in life and some of us cope better than others, different traumas affect each individual differently. I just wish I had opened up years ago, sought help sooner after my attack. 

It’s amazing the progress I have made since my first blog but I guess what happened is I got that low that I couldn’t get much lower so eventually I had to make progress. It’s been a battle facing up to my fears and trying to break the avoidance. If you’ve read my previous blogs you’ll know my fears such as, being on the streets at nights, busy pubs, gigs, closing times in pubs, there’s loads to list but now that I have been facing them, they don’t seem as frightening or worry me as much. That’s what I need to continue you to do in order to continue down the positive path I am on just now. I’m not saying it’s easy but if you are struggling with a mental health issue or PTSD you’ve got to face these fears. You’ve got to seek professional help and get that shit out of your mind. What fucking good is it doing swirling around in your mind and chewing you up inside? It’s doing fuck all bar making you worse, life won’t get easier or better until you open up and talk about your problems. Honestly I urge anyone who is struggling to reach out to someone and talk about how you feel, you’d be amazed how many people are going through similar or how your friends and family will react. People who care won’t judge you, you aren’t weak for having issues or a mental health illness, fuck sake it takes some balls to talk about it, and you’ll be amazed how strong you feel after it. The start of this year I thought I was going to end up a fruitcake. I could have ran away and abandoned all I had. 7 months later I feel the strongest I have felt mentally since I was about 14, that’s 18 years if you don’t know me. 

I guess my strength has come from my sessions with my psychologist where I received cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) and from facing my fears and from also opening up and talking to friends, family and strangers via these blogs. I don’t see myself as being weak anymore or having an illness that I should be ashamed of, there’s no shame in being ill. I now see my illness as an experience or a skill that I can use to help others. Look if you can’t face opening up to a qualified professional or a friend or family speak to me, I don’t have qualifications and I can’t guarantee I can make anything better but I certainly know how you are feeling and I know what has helped me.

My psychologist has gave me a program so I don’t relapse with the PTSD, she doesn’t believe I will, she’s amazed at the progress I have made. When I first started attending my sessions I had to fill in a survey which is scored to try and determine how bad your illness is. It’s made up of questions like, I feel I am a total failure of as a person and there are four options to choose from its then scored and they can determine how severe your illness is. When I first went in May, I scored 41, I don’t know what the total is out of but I was advised this was severe. I done the same test last week and scored one. All I’m trying to say is that there’s hope. I’ve made so much progress in a short period of time, maybe I’m not as severe as yourself but if I can turn my life around as quickly, you can too, it might take longer but it’s worth the fight and effort. I’ve realised that there is more good in the world than evil, there are more positive things happening than the news wish to show us, they just want to report the bad stuff. You just need to dig deep and keep fighting.

To beat it you need to open up, face the fears, break the avoidance, you also need to challenge your thinking. There are 5 key questions to challenge your thoughts. What are the chances? What is the worst thing? Am I right to think that? Think about will it really matter in 5 years time and finally what is this worth? You also need to get active, give time or volunteer, connect with others, keep learning and moving forward and also take notice or how you are feeling. 

Anyway I just wanted to write this blog as an update to let people know how my progress is going and again to try and help other people toiling. I am now determined that the illness I had or have is not going beat me ever again, it’s going to be used as a skill or an experience to help others. I was planning on going to university within the next couple of years to study business, now I am hoping to do Psychology, I hope by doing so I can gain a better understanding of my condition and other mental health illnesses and put a little bit back into this world that at one time I thought was going to swallow me up. I now realise that the world isn’t as evil or as frightening, I accept I was attacked because there is evil in the world, I didn’t deserve what happened to me and I don’t question the why’s or how’s any more. I’ve accepted it happened and by doing so I can start to rebuild my life.

Again I hope this blog has helped and I urge you if you are struggling to seek help or open up. I know it’s not easy but long term you won’t regret it, me I lost the best thing that ever happened to me because I couldn’t ask for help sooner, please don’t make the same mistakes I did. 

Keep on keeping on

Weasel

Help me, Please!

Alrighty,

You got a second? Can I have a wee word? Something’s up I think I need help?

Fucking easy eh? Few wee nice ice breakers there, well why the fuck was it so hard to open up about my problems? my thoughts, my fears, fuck me I’m a modern man, I moisturise, like a rom com or two, sometimes cry at don’t tell the bride, I ain’t your   big brave macho type but opening up about my thoughts and fears was a whole different ball game.

D’you know why I think it was so hard? Cause of the stigma surrounding mental health illnesses, problems, issues, whatever label you want to give it, people are shit scared to talk about it, more so men. Hey we’re big brave men, aye so we fucking are. I wish I was brave enough 5 fucking years ago to say to someone I think I’ve got a problem. I don’t why I couldn’t, maybe because of the stigma that surrounds mental health or maybe because society wants us to believe it’s a sign of weakness, fuck knows, I just know that it took me to get to the lowest point I could get to, before I asked for help. If we had a physical pain would we wait as long? Would we fuck, the worlds ending when I’ve got a cold and trust me everyone fucking knows about it.

Finding that strength to ask for help and making friends, family, my work aware of my problems has been a massive help. I don’t feel like I’m going crazy anymore or turning into a fruitcake, I’m now able to speak freely of what I once believed to be my dirty secret, a sign of weakness, a fault in my make up.

Being able to chat about my PTSD has helped me immensely, I’m not trying to claim I’m cured or I’m back to the man I was before my attack but fuck me, shit doesn’t feel half as hard. Along with the cognitive behavioural therapy and actively facing my fears, things I have avoided or feared for years are now becoming easier, hopefully in time, rather than going to the pub being a fear that I have to combat; it will once again be an enjoyable experience. I guess what I’m trying to say is although it is hard to ask for help or to open it to someone, in the long term it’s going to be one hell of a decision for you. Put it this way, where the fuck are you going the now? How’s bottling it up helping you? Think you can handle it on your own? Doing well so far aye? Avoiding shit? Staying safe in your own wee world? I know how fucking hard it is to say that one wee sentence that is going to break the ice, possibly lead to help but I guarantee you, if you say it to the right ear, you’re giving yourself half a fucking chance of beating whatever mental health illness you have.

In my very first session with my psychologist I told her I think I am going nuts, I explained about my thoughts, my fears, I’m going to die young, I’m a failure, I’m worried about the future, I have these nightmares, I can’t stop thinking about my attack, I can’t understand why after 5 years I’m still thinking about all this shit, I think I’m fucked and going to be like this forever. She told me I wasn’t going nuts, I was suffering from me PTSD, and I suffered a trauma that I hadn’t had any help dealing with. She told me to think of it like this, if you break a leg, you don’t stick a plaster on it yourself and hope it gets better; you go and see a specialist who knows how to treat it. Basically what she was saying is that after my attack I tried to deal with shit that was too much for me on my own. When I felt uncomfortable in pubs, on the street at night, in busy cities I didn’t speak to anyone to see why this was happening, I found my own plaster and stuck it on myself and it lasted so then it came loose and boom, I was low again, struggling to cope, struggling to control my thoughts, struggling to face my fears, worst of all struggling to be me.

I know you may be reading this and thinking, aye good for you pal, you’re getting fucking help or aye it’s fucking easy for you to say now but please believe me, opening up is going to help you so much. Just try to find that inner strength and courage. Me, I spent 5 years bottling shit up and eventually it caught up with me, don’t allow that to happen to you. 

Again, thanks for reading and I hope this helps someone in a not to very pleasant place.

Keep on keeping on

Weasel

Na you’re alright, sounds shite. Withdraw, stay safe and avoid that sounds better.

Well hello there,

Blog 3 and no one has told me to pack it in yet, so I’m going to keep at it. It’s unbelievable how much it’s helping not just me but others. Been a tough few days but mentally I’m feeling strong as fuck, got the belief, the courage and the desire back. Life isn’t such a cunt anymore; I’m winning the battle by controlling my thoughts, actions and my body.

Anyway that’s enough of the general chit chat and update on how my mind is this week. PTSD got a grip of me and ripped the heart out of my life, it got inside my mind and it set up base camp and took control. It made me anxious as my view of the world and the people in it changed. The nightmares returned I became irritable and impatient; I had feelings of guilt and shame not only about my attack but certain aspects of my life. Grief and depression set in and left me feeling hopeless and down, I lost interest in life, the people I love and the things I used to enjoy. The worst thing about all this happening isn’t I didn’t have a fucking clue why, I knew that it was connected to my attack as all my thoughts were focused around that but I couldn’t figure out why the fuck it was happening after nearly 5 years.

As far as I can gather from my Psychologist there was a stressor in my life, I believe this to be an MRI scan that I had to go for to find out why I’m still getting tinnitus (ringing in the ear) after 5 years. I got myself worked up to fuck about going for the scan, I’m only here cause of that fucking attack, I shouldn’t be here, What if the machine gives me cancer, I know irrational thinking but that’s what happens when you aren’t in control of your thoughts, body or actions, Panic sets in. I couldn’t manage the scan, I got breathless, dizzy, and I had to get the fuck out of there and quickly. I couldn’t do the scan therefore a sense of failure set over me.

Since that scan my world gradually went into decline, my thinking wasn’t clear, I questioned everything, I lost confidence in myself again, I had low self esteem, The nightmares returned, the questions about my attack were stuck in my head, I just beat myself up about not being able to do that scan, that fucking scan that I shouldn’t need, I wouldn’t have needed if some prick hadn’t smashed a bottle into my ear. I lost control of my thoughts, actions and body. The only thing I could do was withdraw and avoid, Brilliant idea Weasel, Lets withdraw and avoid that’ll keep me safe from this fucked up world, which is full of evil and danger.

So I did,

Na man can’t afford it, I’m saving eh.

Go into Edinburgh? Fuck that, Edinburgh’s shite (logical thinking there).

I’ve got college work to do.

I’m tired. I’m not feeling too well, any excuse you could think of I used it.

Why? Cause the PTSD had set in and that vicious cycle of stress, anxiety and depression had took control of my body and mind.

What happens with PTSD is the part of your brain, the amygdala, doesn’t work correctly, the amygdala is part of our threat system, its job is to keep us safe by alerting us to danger. It does this by setting off an alarm in our body, it triggers our fight or flight response to get us ready to act.  The problem with the amygdala is that it isn’t very good at discriminating between real dangers or dangers that we are just thinking about. This means that it can set the alarm off when we are thinking about an unpleasant memory from the past, even though the danger has passed.

I know there’s quite a bit of medical jargon there but basically my mind wasn’t storing the memory of my attack correctly. There’s an area in the brain called the hippocampus, the hippocampus helps us to store and remember information, and it stores and tags our memories with information about where and when they occurred. When our threat system is active the hippocampus doesn’t work so well, it can forget to tag the memories with time and place information which means they sometimes get stored in the wrong place. When we remember them it can feel like they are happening again.

Right enough of the medical shit, basically my flight or fight threat system kicked in and I had to stay safe. I withdraw and avoided situations that I knew stressed me, being on the street at night, being in busy pubs and clubs, going to big cities, being around drunks, being in crowds, the thought of hospitals and dying scared the shit out of me.

The problem with withdrawing and avoidance is that although you feel safe, you start missing the stuff you enjoy, I’d beat myself up and get down about not going to gigs, not going to the Celtic games, not being able to face going into Edinburgh with my girlfriend, I’d feel horrible as I wouldn’t see my mates for months on end as everything they wanted to do involved one of my fears. Even when I managed to go to gigs, the football or into pubs, I was anxious and stressed, I would need to put safety behaviours into the equation to help me cope, shit like, not drawing attention to myself in pubs, leave if any of my mates got a bit steaming and I felt they were liable to get us in bother, I’d leave the pub early, I couldn’t stand too close to folk who looked intimidating or slightly threatening. I’d assess everyone in the pub and see who was the biggest danger, fuck being near the big muscled, faked tanned cunts, wearing t-shirts two sizes too wee for them, fuck me they are killing machines, see to be honest they might have been camper than Alan Carr but in my head they were a danger, fuck me they weren’t half. Because I found all this stressful I then stopped doing anything, stopped living and instead replaced it with depression and anxiety.

Right so now I’m at the stage where I need to correct months, maybe even years of avoidance, withdrawals, safety behaviours and negative thinking. I’ve been undergoing cognitive behaviour therapy from my Psychologist, what we do in these sessions is we basically try and remove the memory from where it is stuck in my brain and move it to the area where it should be stored and not cause me any bother. It’s going well, when I relive the memory it doesn’t feel as raw and emotional anymore. I also need to do stuff outside of these sessions, basically I need to face all my fears and do it without putting safety behaviours in place. I need to start going back to gigs, back to the football, visit where the attack happened, go to pubs and stay till the end of the night, visit busy cities, hang about the big mental looking folk in pubs. It’s just going to take time but I’m pretty confident I’ll get there, couldn’t say that a month or two ago. I need to continue on the path I’m on the now, I’m realising that the world is as dangerous as it was before my attack, I don’t need to be as vigilant, I just need to relax both my thoughts and my body.

Right the usual bit of chat here, if you are struggling with mental health illnesses or just need to chat about fears or anxieties get it out, bottling it up is the worst thing you can do. There are loads of organisations that can help, I’ll try my best to help but I’m no expert. I’m just a wee specy cunt from Whitburn who thought he was going mental.

Keep on keeping on

Peace and love

Weasel

Don’t give up hope or the fight, it’s tough as fuck but it can be defeated

Alright

Well here we go again, going to have another wee crack at this blogging carry on. I just really want to thank everyone who responded so positively and with some cracking words of support, wisdom and love.

You’ve no idea what your words and messages meant to me. Part of the problem with PTSD is that depression breeds from low self esteem and self confidence, it chews away at you and destroys everything you believe in, it makes you doubt your plans for the future, it causes you to constantly critique your past, especially your failings, this haze ascends on you and your mind and world ends up a fucking disaster zone.

Shit you have spent years working towards becomes less important, self doubt creeps in that you’re on the right path, Shit that you believed in becomes something that you think could possibly be your next failing. It’s just horrible, you question every single aspect of your life which in turn creates this whole cycle of anxiety, depression and stress, it’s one fucked up wee world inside my mind at times.

The most horrible thing in my experience is that you live life as a different person, at times I am two different people. For the last 6-7 months I’ve been living as PTSD weasel, a withdrawn individual who is moody, argumentative, frustrating to be around, just a horrible individual. This person is the opposite of everything the real weasel is. Me? The real Weasel, he likes a laugh, a carry on, loves life, a wee rom com or two, just a general decent guy, I hope.

In my opinion this is what makes PTSD so hard, you lose who you are, you question everything and then boom, that fucking cycle of depression, anxiety and stress has started again and before you know it your mind and world aren’t your own, you’re living a fucking nightmare, one that you can’t wake up from. The worst thing when you’re living in that wee world of depression and haze is that you view everything in a negative light, you withdraw from that world around you to make sure you’re safe, fuck everyone else, Girlfriend, family, friends.

It’s mental that in the space of a week I’m feeling so much stronger mentally, the haze and the depression are lifting, I’m trying not to look back at the past and feel guilty or beat myself up about shit, I’m not looking back at my attack and asking, Why me and what the fuck did I do to deserve that? The answer to that has been there all along, Fuck all, I done nothing, and know why?  Because some people have it in them to do horrible acts of violence, or deeds that would shame the devil in hell. This is a massive step for me, the acceptance of why I was attacked will help me move on and help me process the memories of my attack in a less raw and emotional way.

I’m beginning to feel me again, mind that wee specy guy who doesn’t drink? Weasel? Aye him. I’m not saying I’m cured but fuck me the world doesn’t seem as evil, the world doesn’t feel like it’s excluding me no more. Through my treatment with my Psychologist, I’ve learned that it’s the same world out there as before my attack, same people, same dangers, however she’s made me see that as well as the same dangers, there’s the same fun to be had, there’s good people out there, people who give a fuck about me.

You forgot this when the depression, haze, ptsd or whatever the fuck it is that makes you act differently kicks in, you also forget to love the people you love. You become so wrapped up in your own wee world of depression that you forget to show your girlfriend that you love her, you isolate yourself from her, and you forget that she’s basically suffering from this shite too. Now the depression has lifted you look back with regret and shame, that wasn’t me though, that was PTSD Weasel, Aye maybe but she still had to put up with me and my safety behaviors, my withdrawals, myself doubts, my mood swings, my lack of interest in life, Fuck me I was a nightmare. So thank you. Thanks for being there when I needed you and helping me to get to where I am today.

Basically I just want you all to know I’m getting there, for the first time in ages my mind isn’t racing at a million miles an hour with anxious or depressed thoughts, I can see shit that wee bit clearer, the future doesn’t scare me anymore, the past isn’t going to get the chance to haunt me as much. The fears that need to be faced are being faced and will continue to be, the safety behaviors are being dealt with, the depression and anxiety is taking a bit of a kicking as I now know how to deal with them, and it’s all about controlling your thoughts, body and actions.

I’m not going to say I’m cured, I know there’s still work to be done but the hard work has been happening for weeks now, my sessions with my psychologist and my blog, which got out what I’m calling my dirty secret, have been massive in terms of helping me recover from ptsd.

I really just want people who are suffering and think there is no hope, to seek help or open up to someone. You’d be surprised to find out how many other people are suffering from mental health illnesses, you honestly are not alone; I’ve received so many messages of support and messages from people saying they can relate somehow to my previous blog. Just don’t give up hope. The world isn’t that bad a place and despite what you may think, you aren’t turning into a fruitcake or going crazy.  Dig in, it gets easier.

Keep on keeping on

Peace

Weasel