Well it’s been a while since I sat down behind this wee pink laptop to write one of my ramblings. I don’t even know why I am the now, I don’t feel the need to clear my head of thoughts and fears that are taking control of my mind and making me act in a manner in which I don’t want to. Shit isn’t on top of me or controlling me like it was this time last year, in fact it’s the opposite, I’m on top of the shit and in control. Those fucking anxious thoughts about the future and what it will bring are gone; the feelings of failure and regret about what I have done or not done are banished. I don’t look back now, to be fair I don’t even look that far forward, I live for the day and approach each day as a new and fresh start.
I don’t see the point in making long term plans, life will just get in the way or you’ll end up on a different path from the one you intended to be own. I just let life and faith guide me.
It’s strange talking about faith as I’m not a religious man, I don’t believe in god or the bible, I think I’m starting to realise that my faith is in myself, my friends and family, my new logical way of thinking, guess I just believe that life will see me alright. When you’ve been through what I have and thought the thoughts I have and came back stronger and better from it, you realise you don’t have much to fear or worry about.
I’ll never mock people’s views or opinions on religion, my condition thought me to believe in what you believe in, put your faith in whatever gets you through, we all take comfort from different things in life. My illness also thought me that the nonsense we crave or believe we need just adds to the pressure we put on ourselves. Do we really need that big fuck off motor, does that impressive bank balance make us better than the next man, does it fuck, I’ve realised that all that matters in life is your health and having enough to get by each month.
I believe we as humans are naturally greedy, we’re animal like, we don’t know when we’ve had enough or got enough, we just want more and more. More money, bigger houses, cooler clothes, healthier bank balances, shit so that we can keep up with our peers and make ourselves feel that wee bit better about life. Me, I don’t give a fuck about any of that any more, don’t get me wrong I’d like it but I don’t place any kind of importance or need on materialistic things, I just want to keep this mental contention going, remain this positive and try to inspire and help others who are where I was this time last year.
If you haven’t read any of my previous blogs, basically I suffered from a condition called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; this condition got inside my head and destroyed my life. The condition caused me to suffer flashbacks and nightmares about my attack, It made me question every single aspect of life, it makes you regret stuff that you believe to be failings, it makes you worry about the future, I don’t want to go into it too much as it’s old ground and can be found in previous blogs.
Now I’m free of the condition I can see clearly and can see how much of an impact this condition had on my life, I think I probably suffered this well before my attack but this was the final trauma that I could cope with. Anyway this again is old ground, I think the point of this blog is going to be to give people a bit of hope and believe that no matter where you are or what your thinking is, it can be changed, controlled and defeated.
This time last year, I was so low and so out of control mentally that life just got on top of me, looking back I can’t believe that I was as bad as I was and now I am where I am. I’m not saying I would have taken my own life but I certainly understand what leads people to do so. I was desperate, the stress voices took control of my logical thinking, you act out of control, you constantly feel all this fucking pressure on top of you, I couldn’t sleep right, I was tired all the time, life was a hassle.
Going out was a toil, I just wanted to stay safe, fuck being attacked and going through all that again, society was fucked, the world was full of evil, I was a failure, I’d fucked everything I ever set out to achieve, I’d continue to fail, run man, run for the safety of your flat, push that beautiful girlfriend you have to fuck, get her out of your life, she’s better off without you, kids? Fuck man that’s something else I’ll fail at, someone else to let down. Every cunts better off without me. It’s a slippery slope when you’re mind is like that, it’s racing at a million miles an hour, you’re anxious as fuck, you’re so low, being honest there’s two ways it could go eh, you open up and hopefully get the help I got or you probably end up going down the route of suicide, I don’t know, am no expert that’s just my views from my experiences.
We need to, as a society break the stigma around mental health and the stigma around suicide, 1 in 4 people will be affected in some way by a mental health illness at some point in their life. Are we just meant to take the gamble that they’ll cope, they’ll figure it out themselves, they’ll pull themselves together? Great good attitude that is eh, pull yourself together, if only it was that fucking easy.
I’ve found inner confidence and strength since I dealt with my shit, I’ve learned that you’ll never understand why people do such nasty and evil things, I’ve learned skills to cope if the dark days ever return, I have faith and confidence they won’t.
Life for me now is about using this confidence in the right manner and to do some good and help others who are going through similar shit to what I did. I’m not going to lie it would be easy for me to forget the stuff that has happened to me, to move forward and do selfish shit and think, great am better now let’s enjoy life, I will to a certain degree but I need to do more than that with what I’ve learned and where I’ve been. I’ve got a desire and ambition to help others, if I can stop one person making the mistakes I did then this whole experience has been worthwhile.
I used to hate when people called me an inspiration or made out like I’m some kind of hero or brave for talking about my shit, I don’t see myself as any of that and I never will. I’m a soul who got lost for a bit and fucked up everything that mattered to him, now I’m a soul who is found and hopes to stop one or two others doing the same. I’ve accepted that maybe my story is inspirational, the victim who now has the strength to volunteer with victim support and be someone’s support mechanism or simply the man who gives them a tissue when it’s needed. I’m proud that I’ve got the inner strength to do this and that I’ve got the ability to do so as a result of what I’ve been through.
I don’t have all the answers, nobody ever will but that it’s self is an answer. Shit just happens, life, the world, nature its way more powerful than any of us and at any time any of us can succumb to its powers. You just need to stay cool and most importantly of all, accept who and what you are. Be honest with yourself and others. Stay connected, love the people you love, do the things that you enjoy and most of all not give a fuck about what others think about you. Be humble and polite though.
I’ve learned most people have issues or some kind of self esteem issues, the people who appear to be confident and have it all, simply hide it better.
I’m no longer ashamed of who I am or where I’ve been. I no longer worry about where I’m going or what I’ve got or not got, I know what I do have, people who love me and will be there for me regardless. That’s the beauty of what I’ve been through, being that victim, being that PTSD sufferer, it led to me opening up and learning so much about myself, love and life.
I no longer feel weak or anxious, I feel empowered and loved. I believe that being a victim or one of the 1 in 4 has made me part of an exclusive club. I’ve got an understanding of what is really important in life and I’ve got the ability to share my experiences and wisdom to try and help others, to me that is more beautiful and more satisfying than any bank balance. When we die our graves will all be the same size, we come in on our own and we leave on our own. Life is for living, learning, loving and laughing. Just make sure whilst doing so that you’re keeping an eye on the people around you.
Stay cool; believe in yourself and maybe one day you’ll be in this exclusive club too.
Mind if you want to read any of my blogs….@weaselblogs or firstname.lastname@example.org
Keep on keeping on guys.
Love and peace