Aye so, another wee blog, few wee paragraphs of wisdom, just insight into my personal experience of post traumatic stress disorder and the symptoms associated with it, the depression, the anxiety, the feelings of failure, the need to stay safe, the loneliness, the turmoil that would flow through my mind. To be honest I can’t really remember half the symptoms and to me that’s a result, another reminder of how far I have came and the victories I have achieved since my first blog in May 2013.
If you’re that interested in the symptoms and my battles you will find all my previous blogs via firstname.lastname@example.org or on twitter @weaselblogs. If you are suffering from PTSD or other mental health conditions they might be worth a wee read, they’ll let you see that your demons can be beaten, controlled, fuck knows what the best term to use is but I’m pretty content with where I am mentally now.
I don’t even know why I am attempting to write this blog, previously they’ve been used to get shit out my head that is haunting or controlling me, stuff that I needed to say but couldn’t or found too hard to. I’ve also used them to give some practical advice to others that are going through similar but haven’t been fortunate enough to receive the professional help that I have. I also like to use them to give others hope, hope that one day things will get easier for them. Hope that they too can win their battles and find this contention mentally. I’m not going to do that with this one as I think it’s just going to get repetitive.
I think I want to use this blog to highlight the importance of being open and honest about your problems and the benefits that come with this honesty. I know it’s hard as fuck to open up, it would feel like a defeat, a sign of weakness, a failure, it honestly isn’t. It’s been the single best decision I have ever made, it’s led me to being the most confident and content mentally that I have ever been.
It took me to get to the lowest I could get to before I could admit I had a problem, I was kind of forced into opening up and admitting my problems, sharing my fears, telling the people I love why I was acting the way I was and how my mind was out of control. Who wants to tell someone that they believe they are going crazy and that the world and everything in it scares the shit right out of you.
Maybe if I didn’t get that low I would never have opened up, I’d maybe never have sought the professional help that I did, I’d maybe be spending the rest of my life battling my thoughts and believing I was weaker and inferior to everyone else because I had all these irrational thoughts, I had all those social anxieties and all those fucking fears that were stopping me from living and being the man I wanted to be.
I’m not saying I am the man I want to be now that I’ve dealt with my demons but what I am is content mentally and I have belief and confidence in life, myself and the world around me. My mind now works as logically as it has ever done and my thinking is cool and under control. I’m maybe lucky that PTSD can be a temporary condition; maybe mine wasn’t as severe as it can be, maybe I just got a right good psychologist, fuck knows but I’m in a great place mentally and I never ever thought I would get here this quickly or get here at all.
I’ve learned along the way that most people have anxieties, fears, worries, it’s perfectly normal, it becomes a problem when it takes control of you and stops you acting the way you truly want to act and when it stops you doing the stuff you love and enjoy.
When I started my psychology sessions, I decided to be as honest as I could with my psychologist, this was my chance to get this shit out of my head and find out why I was acting and thinking the way I was, I wanted answers, I wanted to be normal again, I wanted to be able to compare myself to my peers and feel on equal par again. We talked through my shit, Laura my psychologist explained why I was thinking what I was and acting the way I was. In that first session she diagnosed what I had, explained all the symptoms and told me how I was going to beat it.
I came out of that first session and I knew I had to be as honest with everyone in my life, friends, family, and my girlfriend at the time, my work colleagues. I didn’t know how to go about this but I needed to. I needed them to know what was going in my wee fucked up mind. The only thing I could come up with was one of these ramblings and soon I had my first blog.
Within minutes of sharing my first blog, I received incredible messages of support and some amazing words of wisdom, people who I believed to be far stronger and greater than me would tell me about shit they feared or told me they felt similar stuff. They told me how brave I was to be as open and honest, I didn’t feel brave I just felt this feeling of pressure lifting off of me, my mind slowing down a bit, a sense of pleasure that I had took this action and it was so positive.
This is where I believe being open and honest has been a massive help to me. People couldn’t wait to offer support, an ear to let off steam into, words of wisdom or simply to tell me that I was loved and a far better person than I believed myself to be. Since that first blog I continue to be open and honest and I shall for the rest of my life. Only I can make me feel inferior, only me can deal with my thinking and keep it under control.
I believe if I am going to stay on this path, where I am positive and living the way I want to live I need to continue being as open and honest. The lies I told to stay safe when I was ill will frustrate me for a while yet, that’s why now I am so honest. When am having a bad day, which has been very rare, I’ll talk about it, I try to share the wisdom and knowledge I have gained from my experiences to help others.
I ask you that if you are toiling open up and you will see the love and wisdom people can give you. The ability to stay connected and talk to your friends and family is part of the solution in terms of things getting easier and better for you. I’ve managed to help a few other people who have issues with my honesty and that’s what it’s all about, giving that wee bit back and breaking down the stigma.
Anyway, I’m not really sure I’ve achieved what I wanted to with this blog and I don’t feel it’s as strong as my others but maybe that’s a sign of where I am and how positive I am feeling. It’s hard for me to recall the feelings, the fears, the symptoms, it all just seems like a journey that I was meant to take in order for me to help others and learn so much about myself, love and life.
Anyway keep on keeping on
Love and peace