If you have read my blogs before you know why I write them, if you are new to my ramblings then I shall briefly explain why I write these pieces of poor literature.
Basically I was a victim of a violent assault, shit got on top of me and I never ever dealt with the fears and anxieties that I suffered after my attack. I tried to convince myself that I was sound but I kept so much bottled up and then my world went into melt down and I pretty much lost the plot and all the important things in my life.
I hurt the people I love the most, I told them lies and pushed them away as I thought I was going mental and that they would be better off without me, I didn’t want them dragged down with me, I didn’t want to hinder them with a fucking fruitcake like me. Eventually I was that low that I had to seek professional help and I received this from a psychologist.
The treatment I received was amazing. I’ve dealt with all my fears and faced up to what I believed were my failings in life. Nothing scares me no more. I understand that what happened to me was caused by a condition called Post traumatic stress disorder.
This condition made me question every aspect of my past and worry about every aspect of the future. I couldn’t think of the future or the past without feeling worried or regretful. Anyway that’s enough about the condition as I’ve been over this ground before.
This blogs more about the frustration I’ve been trying to deal with since I’ve been in recovery. I’m frustrated as fuck with the way I treated people. My ex, friends, family I treated them like shit, pushed them away, lied to them, avoided them, couldn’t guarantee them fuck all. I cut them off, was argumentative but most of all and this is what frustrates me the most I wasn’t acting or thinking like me.
I became selfish as fuck, a man that I’d look at and be disgusted with. You know what though, I was ill as fuck. Now I’m back on the right tracks and feeling shithot I’m frustrated with the way I acted and treated these people. What’s frustrated me the most is I just want a chance to make everything correct with these people, I just want them to trust me again, for them to put their faith in me again.
Can I guarantee I won’t go off the rails again, Can I fuck but who can guarantee that they won’t suffer from something as horrible as what I did and not let it affect them. What I can guarantee is now I’ve had my treatment is that I have the skills and experience to handle any bad days that come my way. I’ll recognise the signs that something is up rather than believing I am going nuts. Can I guarantee that if they do trust me again I won’t break that trust? No I can’t but who can? however I know for a fact I’ll never be that selfish again, I’ll never act in that manner and treat people that way again, I’ll be open and honest with them. I’ve learned that there is nothing that I can’t talk about and nothing that we should be ashamed about. We’re all humans bad shit can happen to any of us; life is a cruel bastard at times. If you have went through life and not suffered some kind of trauma or went through some serious bad times you are one lucky person, I’m pleased for you though, I wouldn’t wish the shit I’ve went through on anyone.
Since I’ve recovered I’ve worked hard at the second chances I’ve been given and been working hard to try and get second chances from the people who are less reluctant to give me them. It’s been frustrating as fuck at times but also pleasing building better relationships with the people who I’ve hurt the most.
However I’m now beginning to realise that not everyone can just give you that second chance, as frustrating as this is, I can understand this. I can’t think for them, I can’t control their feelings, I can’t heal the hurt I’ve caused, I’ve begged and pleaded for forgiveness, I’ve played it cool, I’ve pestered them. I’m now at the stage where I need to handle my frustrations better and replace this with acceptance, acceptance that regardless if I was ill or not, I’ve hurt these people badly.
Aye maybe I’m thinking straight now and the shit that once scared me is now what I want from life but I blew my chance at that life when I cut these people out and told them nonsense because I didn’t want to drag them down with me. I made them believe I was embarrassed and ashamed of them, I never was, I was embarrassed and ashamed of me, I felt inferior, why? Because of that fucking PTSD.
So what now?
Now it’s about giving shit back to the world, I’m going to do this through volunteering with victim support and try to help people who are experiencing the same trauma I did. I’m going to continue rebuilding the relationships that I have been given the chance to do so. I’m not going to live with false hope that things will sort themselves out with the people that I’ve hurt who are reluctant to give me a second chance. I’m going to live, learn and love like I’ve never before. I’ve got a second chance at life; I’ve been on the receiving end of some very harsh but valuable lessons that are making me a more compassionate, understanding and caring person. That’s the most frustrating thing about not receiving these second chances; I’m a far better man than the one they knew before, I believe if they gave me a chance they wouldn’t regret it, however that’s easy for me to say and less easy for them to give.
I’m on a positive path and I’m going to do some good with my experiences. I intend to enjoy and saviour every moment of life. The people who are giving me these second chances won’t be left disappointed. The people who don’t, will never know how deep my regrets are and how much I truly love them, I understand and get it though, who wouldn’t be reluctant to let someone in who has hurt you and destroyed your trust and dreams.
Anyway, this blog is for the people out there who have done the same as me, hurt the ones they love, we’ve no right just to be forgiven; we’ve not even got the right to be given the chance to rebuild things which we crave so much. Aye it’s frustrating as fuck, we were ill, we were scared. We still said those words and acted in that manner though. My life might be on a different path to what I actually want but the one thing that life has taught me is that nothing goes to plan. Life can be fun and beautiful one minute and then the biggest struggle you can imagine the next. You’ve just got to saviour and enjoy the good times and ride out the shit ones.
Just try not to get frustrated or act desperate in a bid to gain forgiveness, it just makes the whole situation worse and who is it actually helping? I’ve made shit harder on myself and the people that I’ve already hurt enough. Accept where you are and take it from there.
Keep on Keeping on