I mind one time when I was about 20 I was in haddows in Whitburn buying a carry out and what would be known as the local alcoholic was in trying to charm the shop assistant into giving him two cans of special brew as he didn’t have enough money to buy them. For some reason I bought him them, fuck knows why, think I just felt sorry for the cunt. Anyway walking out the shop he said to me, “I never set out to be an alcoholic, life just got in the way of my dreams”.
I spent days wondering what he was getting at and how his life got in such a mess, that the best option he had was to spend hours and days sitting on a bench on the main street drinking himself into oblivion. I found out one day, that once that man was a success in his chosen profession, shit happened to him and his life went downhill. See as the months roll by in my recovery I can see that in life we all make mistakes, we all make poor choices, we all have fears, self doubts, anxious moments, and it’s just that some of us cope better than others. Life can beat anyone and in one moment everything can go to fuck.
It’s mental how clear and logical my mind is now, I look back and regret how selfish I became, how much I hurt people. I hate the way I cut people out, the way I thought I had to take the world on alone, the way I believed I was the only person on the planet who had these feelings; I just hate the man that I became.
Controlling my thoughts and facing what were my fears has turned my life around so much, I’m stronger, more confident, more self assured and I genuinely don’t give a fuck what people think of me anymore. I am who I am and I intend to work as hard as I can to continue on this path and becoming the best man I can be. My number one priority is to ensure I never become as selfish, defeated, and as ignorant again.
I used to worry about dying young, I think this was because after my attack and nearly dying I realised how precious life was. Throughout my whole life I have experienced the loss of loved ones, when I was young I thought it was something to do with me, that I was cursed, unlucky as fuck or just a jinx. Now I realise that it’s just life, death will come to us all. It’s about the moments we have in our lives, the memories we make, the love we give out and the love we receive.
My life got out of control well before my attack, it always seemed to be trauma after trauma, relatives and loved ones dying, my sisters disability, my parents’ divorce when I was 8. I just think my attack was the final trauma I could deal with. I didn’t really have the confidence or the ability to deal with it.
I write these blogs and tweet the stuff I tweet as I know others are getting help from it. I’ve had letters from people telling me about the difference I have made to their life. The Tweets from other people who suffer from mental health conditions saying that they find comfort in my blogs and tweets. The messages of encouragement and support have helped more than the people who have sent them will ever now. I just want people to realise that I’m not after attention, I don’t want pity, I gave myself enough for years and most importantly I am not doing it for attention, I’m doing it because it’s helping others.
That’s the main point I’m trying to make in this blog. Life can be a complete bastard to anyone, decent human beings can make stupid and selfish mistakes, people make poor choices. Sometimes people don’t really know how their words or actions affect others; see really when you look at the local alcoholic on the bench, what do you think? D’you think about what happened that he ended up there or do you just judge the poor cunt? I’m not saying it’s that simple, that he’s a victim or some kind of saint, what am trying to say is that if we all became that less bit selfish and worried about ourselves maybe people wouldn’t head down the wrong paths, make bad choices, make drastic choices like suicide.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve learned the bad things we suffer or the mistakes we make shouldn’t haunt us forever. We shouldn’t look at the people who are worse off than ourselves and think look at the nick of that cunt, thank fuck that’s not me. I’m not saying we should buy the local alcoholic two cans of special brew either. I’m just wanting to hit home the point that life can beat any man, woman or child. We’re all human, we make mistakes, we have emotions, we have dreams, and we have fears.
Guess what I’m trying to say is that one day that alcoholic could be you, one day you could be the person writing these blogs, the person making mistakes.
I love music, I love lyrics, and one line that has always stuck with me is, while we’re living the dreams we have as children fade away. I used to think this is a sad line but really it’s not, it’s the truest words ever spoken. Yeah they fade away, we grow old, lose that naive view of the world we have as children, we age but what we need to understand is that as we grow, we learn, we make mistakes, we’ll hopefully learn from them, we’ll suffer, but the most important thing is that we are alive and we have that precious gift that is life.
You only get it once, don’t let it get on top of you, don’t let it think you’re the only one suffering, doubting, worrying, feeling anxious. Other people just cope better or help it well. Dig in and get help. Life can turn round for the better as quickly as it can get shitty.
Me, I just want to enjoy the shit I used to fear, be the best man I can be, enjoy what I’ve got and not worry about stuff in this world that I have no control over. I want second chances but I can’t expect that I can only hope for that.
Keep on keeping on and keep fighting the good fight.
Peace and Love