Number 6 eh, Been some journey since number 1, just want to quickly thank you for all the support, my phones not stopped with texts, tweets or messages on facebook, It Means so much just knowing that people are reading these blogs never mind actually offering support and kind words. It’s been surprising the people who have been in touch saying they suffer from similar shit, people who I thought were confident and cool cunts, folk that I would compare myself against and make myself believe that I was inferior in comparison to.
I read this quote at college last year and it stuck with me, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” At the time because I was in a wee world of anxiety, depression and avoidance I would read this and think baws, to anyone reading this outside of Scotland the term baws, basically means you think it’s a lie or not that accurate.
I thought this term was baws because I felt inferior as fuck, inferior compared to my mates, inferior with the man I was previous to the attack, inferior to how I felt the previous year, It didn’t matter what situation I placed myself in I was the shadow of the man I was previous to my attack, fuck sake I didn’t even throw a punch when I was getting hit with a baseball bat, an iron and a glass bottle what kind of pussy am I? I couldn’t even go out with my girlfriend or mates to pubs, clubs, big cities, without getting myself worked up about it, I’d be in and out the toilet with nerves, sweating like fuck before going anywhere just cause of the anxiety kicking around my body, I was going to have to leave my safety zones and be in situations where I knew I would be panicky and agitated, it was a horrible feeling and one that I would do my best to hide, all because three evil bastards made me feel inferior without my consent.
See now I get the saying, I can see that wee bit clearer cause the haze of depression is lifting and the anxious thoughts are being controlled by using the methods that I talked about in my earlier blogs. I challenge my thinking; I try to control my thoughts, my actions and my body better, its hard work but its working. I am not as anxious in pubs, I don’t feel the same fear walking the streets at night, I don’t see the world in such a negative way anymore, I’m not going to say I’m 100 percent comfortable with all of this but it’s easier than it was before and I’ve got to keep facing the fears, keep challenging my thoughts, keep addressing any failings I think I can put right, I’ve got to keep connecting with people, most importantly I’ve got to keep increasing my self esteem and self confident.
By doing this I’m getting a bit of confidence back in myself and the world around me. I’ve also realised that the world will be here long after I’m gone and it’s far too big and powerful for me to try and change the shit that is going on in it, I need to worry about my shit and not give a fuck about the evil in the world, the state of the economy, an independent Scotland, see really I need to be more focused on day to day, the here and now, fuck the past, it’s done and dusted I can’t change it, my mistakes have been made, the one’s I can fix I’m trying to, the ones that I can’t, I can’t beat myself up about. I also need to not worry about the future, I got myself wrapped up in this illogical thinking about shit going wrong, dying young, where will I be in 5, 10, 20 years, see really I just need to concentrate day to day and maybe week to week. I’m not saying not to have plans or dreams, we need dreams or what’s the point but for me personally, worrying about the future and regretting the past has cost me so much here in the present, shit I would love to get back but it’s out with my control. Now I believe I have the confidence and skills to face the fears, the fears are only there because I am allowing myself to feel inferior, remember “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”
Anyway, I wanted this blog to be more about being a victim of a violent crime but it’s kind of went off the tracks and over old ground. I used to watch crime watch and look at the people who were victims and think “come on pal, it’s time to get over it.” A couple of times people have said that to me and it hurt me like fuck, I’d think to myself you’ve no idea what it feels like to be a victim, fuck you. I think the worst thing is all the fucking questions that you can’t get answers to, why did this happen to me. What did I do to deserve this? Was it my fault? Am I a bad person who deserved this? See really the answers are clear as fuck now that I’ve learned to process the memories of the trauma and I’m not as anxious or as depressed, there’s evil folk in this world, who will commit evil acts without even thinking about it. My Psychologist told me that I maybe found it hard to come to terms with because I am not a violent person or someone who has been caught up in loads of violent situations, to me this was against everything I believed in and found it hard to comprehend.
I used to spend ages thinking about the people who done this to me, I’d spent hours wondering if they ever thought about their actions and what they had done to me, what would I do if I seen them again, would they recognise me, would they apologise, would they do worse to me, I’d get myself in some nick thinking about it, the anxiety and depression would take control and boom, life’s a fucking struggle again. See now I realise that they probably don’t even give two fucks, there’s a chance they can’t even remember it because it’ll just be some memory stored in the back of their minds, which pops up every now and again, that’s what my cbt has helped me do, make it a memory that pops up once every so often and doesn’t make me feel as inferior, it’s not as raw and as emotional. It’s just a memory, shit that happened to me years ago.
I now believe that if I met my attacker again, I wouldn’t give a fuck, I’m not a violent man, I didn’t want bother to start with so I certainly wouldn’t be looking for it now. To be honest, having my breakdown is probably the best thing that has happened to me, I’ve discussed so much with my psychologist, addressed issues that haunted me even before my attacked, I’ve developed an inner belief in myself, I’ve now learned that fears are just that fears, they ain’t real, there’s a chance they’ll never happen and the one’s that do it’s about how you approach them and go about controlling them. I would love the chance to sit down with the people that done this to me and try to educate them, let them know how they destroyed my life for so long but then I think did they? remember the saying “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.
Were they the one’s who stopped me going out? Stopped me doing the things I used to enjoy, were they the ones that forced me to avoid situations that I was scared off? I guess what I’m trying to say is that before I spoke out and got help I’d blame them, I’d question every aspect of life, worry about every bit of evil that I would see in the papers and on the news, I guess the point I’m trying to make is that when you’ve suffered a trauma your view of that situation and the world you live in changes but see really it’s the same world as before but you’re more vigilant and alert to it. If you’ve been a victim, reach out for help, there’s no shame in feeling vulnerable, no shame in feeling inferior, no shame in not being able to face the stuff you could do before. I’ll always be a victim in terms of stats and the fact that my attack happened but I won’t let it chew away at my mind like I did before. It’s a trauma, we’re humans, trauma affects us differently and most of us will experience some kind of trauma in our life time.
Please if you are suffering in silence, from any mental health illness or have been a victim of any crime and are struggling speak to someone, I guarantee you won’t regret it and you certainly are not alone.
Keep on Keeping on